Ralph's Spandex Fetish

Anyone that knows me knows that I love my dogs.  I have two.  A tiny toy poodle named Wilson..... 

........and a standard poodle named Ralph,

Because Wilson is only about 3 and a half pounds, he can't do much damage but Ralph on rare occasions, can cause some damage.

We had one such incident last week.  You see Ralph loves spandex.  He loves putting the material between his teeth and grinding back and forth on the material while making an eeeee, eeeeee, eeeee, sound.  

I have warned my family that Ralph favors spandex and Lycra type items.  

Ralph also has one other fetish and there is no delicate way to put this so I'll come straight out and say it.....he enjoys the crotch of any item of clothing that he can get his canines on.  There......I've said it and I won't go into why he has this last fetish, just know that it is his thing.  I have also given my family fair warning of this.  

The first time I noticed Ralph had this fetish was when he found my teenage daughter's thong (yes she went through that stage) and brought it outside to share with the neighbor's dog Winnie (also a standard poodle).  The dogs each grabbed a piece of thong floss and stretched that bright orange bad boy from my driveway to the neighbors lawn.  They got that thong stretched out a good 15 feet before it snapped.  Ralph then gnawed on it and later my neighbor found remnants of that orange thong on his lawn.

One day last week Ralph succumbed to his temptation and entered my daughter Maggey's room.  Maggey, like all teenagers, does not hang her clothing or put it away but drops it where she removes it from her bod.  

Long story short the temptation was too great for Ralph (who hadn't had a relaspe since the time Mickey's shorts fell victim)

Secretly Mickey likes wearing his shorts this way.  It's like wearing a thong..

So Ralph nabbed Maggey's favorite pair of workout spandex and did this to them....

All he left Maggey was a Tarzan flap in the front and one in the back.  

Once Ralph falls off the wagon it's all down hill.  He also gnawed on her favorite jeans with just a tich of Lycra in them and a day later when Maggey went to put them on she had a new type of ventilation system in her

 jeans.

The last garment I was told that became a victim of Ralph fetishes were these.....

These are Maggey's favorite running shorts.  

Maggey was mad.  In fact she was furious.  She came into my room holding up a couple of the tattered items and told me she was going to KILL Ralph.  

By the time she found the last item, she was so angry that she came into my room, held up the half eaten item and yelled, "Mom, why did you let Ralph do this?"

I just said,  "Well Maggey, when you are at school I find Ralph and drag him into your room and pick out your most favorite clothing item and say 'Eat the crotch of these because it has Lycra in them and Maggey loves them' and he does".  

This comment made Maggey so mad that she said, "This hole in my jeans is too perfectly round and there are no teeth marks so I know you did this and not Ralph."

Now I realize that we all say things in moments of anger that we really don't mean but this was one for the books.  

I began picturing myself going into my daughters room and gnawing on her Lycra pant's crotches.   Ok really?

I merely said,  "Maggey, lets think about what you just said.  I may do a lot of things that you find strange and even a bit quirky but chewing on my daughter's spandex just isn't one."

I'm off now to see if I can find some spandex to gnaw on.  Perhaps Ralph is onto something.

Ralph smiling after getting his Lycra fix.

Valentines Analysis

Valentines was just yesterday and I wanted to blog about this special lovers day but found myself just being fascinated by this holiday (if in fact it really is a holiday).  

Think about it.......somebody made up a holiday about a fat, naked guy going around shooting people with a bow and arrow.   The person that's shot is supposed to fall in love?  I'm thinking, wow, that's a stretch.

Since none of that makes sense to me I suggest that we could go with the theory that greeting card companies, candy companies and flower shops needed a holiday to sell more of their wares.  I don't like this theory because it seems so cynical so I think I will make up my own reason as to why we celebrate Valentines.   

I have come to the conclusion that men love Valentines Day because they think they get more action and women like it because they like getting flowers and candy and cards with loving and romantical sentiments written on them.  I personally like it for the food.  I am not sa romantic and years ago taught my husband that he can replace the cards, flowers and candy for money.  I go for the cash every time.  I will also accept gift cards and going out to lunch or dinner as a gift too.  

In my final stages of Valentine analysis I decided to go through my many pictures and see if I could find a romantic, valentines type photo of Mickey and I and I will tell you that I found 1 picture in the 13,785 pictures I own.  

I am posting it because it is perfect for me to analyze on this very blog. Here she is:

Now I realize that you are all saying to yourself... "Wow!  Where do we begin?"   Let me help you out and start with the most obvious.  This photo screams at me "shutty your mouths please".  If you ask me what we were thinking the answer would have to be we weren't.  This photo is from 1989 at our wedding. 

 Let me also say that between the two of us we had five kids and the oldest was six.  This is who we brought to the party that day and when I look at our kissing photo I'm thinking "enough already". 

Then we added these three to the mix.

So now back to the lovers picture.  I will repost it here so we can do some more analyzing.

Wow again.

There are just so many things here to discuss.  My next thought would be Why would we kiss like that in front of our five kids, photographer and most importantly in front of our entire family? Is Mickey trying to devour me in front of all of these people? I don't have an answer to that one.  I'm hoping that we were both talking up close and the photographer just happened to snap the picture so it looks like.....oh whatever.

Next, Mickey's hair is so dark and fabulous but hi, welcome to the 80's.  It looks like I have a rather large rodent nesting in my locks.  Not sure what happened there but I will go with the excuse that I didn't have time for much hair care with the five kids.  

Next, if you look closely you will see that my eyes are closed (which is entirely normal for these types of kisses) but what is Mickey looking at?  He's got his eyes open a crack and is staring at something.  I know he's not staring at my cleavage because of our next point of analysis......

Check out my collar!  This beautiful wedding dress is 3/4 collar.  Does this accentuate my boosies or just draw the eye upward towards the rodent nest in my hair?  Not sure.

Why is my wedding dress red?  Did I choose this because I felt like a harlot at my second wedding.  Yes, Mickey and I had both been married before.  (See previous five children picture).

Mickey's body language is telling me something.  He's leaning away and grabbing onto the wall while I'm hanging on his tie.  Why?  Perhaps deep down he was running from his fear of five children and a new wife who subconsciously feels like a harlot or perhaps it was simply fear of my open mouth.

Enough said about this photo.  

I'm off now to go to my annual Valentines lunch and see if there is cash involved.

Puberty shots

Score one for the parentals!

For some strange reason my husband Mickey and I have always found great joy in some of the medical type things we do with our kids i.e. immunizations, flu shots, annual exams, and dental appointments.  I figure if you have to do these things with your kids why not have a tich of fun along the way.  Mickey and I have a tendency to make up a few facts when talking to our kids about these types of things.  Our information is not always that accurate but for Mickey and I this is fun and also a way to get back at all of their naughtiness.





I will tell you about a couple of these instances.


One day I decided it was time for the kids to go get their flu shots.  Since a few of them have asthma, their pediatrician thought it would be a good idea.  I thought......"This could be fun".

Taylors eligible for "S" surprise
plus parental escorts

So Mickey and I told all of the kids to load up into the suburban and we would go do something that was a surprise.   After everyone was loaded into the car they all started trying to guess what the surprise was.  I told them it started with an "S".  


You should have heard their guesses........We're going to a show.............We're going shopping......... to buy some surprises...........we're going to get slurpees ........sandwiches ...........skiing ...........sledding ........skating........and on and on.  They guessed everything a person could do that started with an "S".


We let them guess while we sat up in the front smiling like Cheshire cats.  


After about 15 minutes we pulled right into the pediatricians office and those kids looked at each other and us with bewildered and confused faces.  Mickey and I were still grinning.   These are the looks on their faces that we live for.   


One of the kids said, "Huh???  Why are we here?"  I exclaimed in my most happy and perky voice that this was their surprise.  More confusion came from the backseat until one of our smarter kids said,  "Shots!  Not Shots!  That's not a surprise!"  They all started shouting at us, "That's not why were here.  It's not shots is it?  That's our surprise?  That's a stupid surprise!"  


I hollered back at them like they had just won the lottery,  "You guessed it, it's shots!" 


They were not happy.  One of them said, "That's not a surprise!"  I said to them, "Well you're surprised aren't you?"


And score one for the parents.

Kindergarten daughter

The next event was similar in that I was taking one of my daughters to get her kindergarten shots.  Her older brothers, Whitey and Rocky, were teasing her and telling her how much the shots hurt and how horrible kindergarten shots are.  


As Mickey and I listened.  Mickey just turned to my daughter and said, "Don't worry, the kindergarten shots aren't bad at all and they aren't near as bad as the shots the boys have to get when they turn twelve.  


The boys perked up and said, "Why do we have to get shots when we turn 12."  (They were about 11 at the time)


I said, "You have to get "puberty shots."  One of the boys said, "What are puverty shots."  


Mickey said,  Oh, they're shots boys have to get when they go into puberty and turn twelve.  All boys have to get them before they can go to Jr. High just like all kids have to get kindergarten shots before they go to kindergarten.


It was clear that Whitey and Rocky were not happy about this but just said that they didn't care because they didn't have to get them for another year.


Then I piped up and said, "Well the shots aren't the bad part."


Mickey said,  "It's WHERE they give you the shots that's the bad part."


They both got that dumbfounded facial expression and asked where exactly do these shots go.


Mickey said, "Oh you know.  Come on guys you've heard about this."


Boys, "No we haven't.  Where do they go?'


Mickey pointed straight down to what I have referred to before as "Nether regions."

Whitey and Rocky learning about puberty shots

The boys hands went straight to their mouths.  They started to squirm.  They looked at each other.  They grabbed their nether regions.  They turned to me and asked, "Mom is that true?  Where do they really give us our shots?"


I whispered oh so very quietly right in their little ears, "Right in the end of your schnitz."


The expression on their faces was that ever priceless expression that we live for!  Can you imagine the talk between those two in the days to come.  I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when they told their friends the bad news.


I feel that this turned out good for everyone.  Mickey and I felt pure joy watching the boys react to this news. They were also somewhat humbled.  Our kindergarten daughter was thrilled to be getting just kindergarten shots and we told her girls didn't have to get puberty shots just boys so she was even happier.


However, it didn't take long for the boys' friends to confirm to Whitey and Rocky that there were no such thing as puverty shots.  It was fun while it lasted.

Wouldn't you just love to see
this kid get a Guardisil shot?


 I'm off to see if the school nurse can give Mickey Jr. the Guardisil shot.  It's for cervical cancer and I see no reason why he shouldn't get it while
Maggey is getting hers.  So far I have been turned down for the past 2 years but it doesn't hurt to ask again.  I only have a year left for me to try to get it for Mickey before he graduates.  I will also request that the shot be given in the usual puberty shot place.