Spartanism. The perfect psychiatric disorder.

I have been officially diagnosed.  Yes it's true.  My kids sat around the kitchen table and discussed my shortcomings and mostly one in particular. They then they googled my symptoms and came up with my diagnosis.  I have Spartanism.  

I was not present for this discussion and subsequent diagnosis so I was informed of it when I returned home.  When they pronounced my disease upon me the only response that I could come up with was, "Good to know.  So?"

Let me explain what Spartanism is.  I also Googled Spartanism and found that it is a form of OCD.  It is the opposite of hoarding.  People with this type of OCD hate clutter and junk.  That's a good thing isn't it?

People, such as myself, have a tendency to throw or give away items that they feel clutter their life.  I read a case about a lady that gave away all of the chairs in her house...........hummmmm........she might be a genius.......no chairs..... no guests for dinner......no cooking......less dishes......need I go on? 

Those of us with Spartanism feel a need to rid ourselves of things we deem unnecessary in our lives.  It gives us a sense of satisfaction and we feel more in control of our environment.......DUH!  Have you not read my previous blogs!  Obviously from reading about what my life is like, it's a given that I have absolutely no control of anything and way too many people and things clutter my life.   I can't get rid of the people so I get rid of the things. It all makes sense to me.

    Spartan

When one of my daughters explained that I absolutely have Spartanism I thought, "Oh goody, I'm like those fighter guys from Greece that are sometimes mascots of schools because they are hero's and athletes and great fighters."

"Um NO mom!", she said.  "Not even close."  She then went on to explain my psychiatric problems and the symptoms of Spartanism.  (The good news is that the American Psychiatric Association has NOT declared Spartanism as a psychiatric disorder............yet.)  She also said that people with Spartanism think that other people who have a lot of junk are the ones with the problem and not them.  Well no kidding.

I then admitted to the family that I may have a tich of Spartanism but it's not that bad.  That's when they began to go back over every past incidence of junk purging that I have comitted.

One small particular event that they brought to light was the time when my husband Mickey came home and walked into our bedroom to find everything gone but the mattress which was sitting directly on the floor. The look on his face was priceless and it made me tingly to see him like that.  No matter the disease my kids diagnosed me with the look on his face made it all worth it.  (Is that a different disease?) Let me explain my side because when you hear it, you won't think I'm all that odd.

We HAD a king sized bed that HAD a big ornate headboard, footboard and sides on it that you set your mattress in.  Our bed sat about 5 feet off the floor (which made for difficult TV viewing at that height and also one time I fell out of it and nearly broke my arm.   My elbow has never been quite right since then).  But that's not why I gave the bedroom set away.  

This bedroom set also had two ornate nightstands, a matching dresser and a mirror, all very ornate and hard to dust..........but that's still not the reason I gave it away.  

My kids viewed this bed as a landing pad for tricks.  They would regularly run from our bedroom door, leap into the air, do a forward flip and land spread eagle onto the bed.  This bed was also used as the family wrestling mat.  All important wrestling matches took place on this bed.  You lost when you fell off (mostly because at that point you got hurt from falling 5 feet).  That's still not the reason I gave it away.

Needless to say, the bottom of the bed, which was supported by wood slats, broke.  No, not once or twice while we had it but once or twice a week.  We added more slats but to no avail.  

Then the joints that connected all of the bed together became loose and started to creek.  It became a loud bed. 

I now had a loud bed and this is where the real problem came in.  Let me explain the mattress.  

In case none of you know this, I now sleep on Queen Elizabeth's mattress.  Yes, it's true.  But a few short years ago I didn't sleep on the Queen's mattress. I slept on an old, dumpy mattress.  

One night while sleeping on old dumpy, I was in a deep slumber when I was jolted awake by a hard popping thing that stabbed into my brain.  It was a spring from our mattress so I bought a memory foam and covered the whole mattress up and then I slept on a memory foam with a spring stabbing my brain.  I then fussed at my mom and she decided she needed a new mattress too.  She decided that she and my dad needed one of those fancy beds that have the two mattresses and their own controls to lower and raise their heads and knees and such.  My mom said that I could have their old mattress.  She then told me that it was the exact same mattress that Queen Elizabeth sleeps on.  I was thrilled because I am known around here as the Queen Bee and it just had to be better than old dumpy mattress with memory foam and springs stabbing my brain.  

We pitched old dumpy and hauled the Queen's mattress down to our bedroom and placed it into our loud and tall bed frame and waaa laaaa.  Now we were the proud owners of the queen's bed that now stood 6 feet off the floor.  The queen's mattress is about 3 feet thick, not including the box springs.  

In order for me to go to bed I had to start running at the bedroom door take a flying leap and pray I high jumped onto the bed.  If I missed or fell out of the bed at night, it was not a pretty sight. 

This still was not the reason for my giving away the bedroom furniture.  The reason I gave it away was this.......my husband rolls over frequently at night. (girls, you know what I'm talking about).  Let me explain just how he rolls over.  First, he fidgets for a minute or two, then launches himself into the air, levitates for a couple of seconds and lands in another position.  This, in turn, bounced me out the other side (which was not good because my bed was six feet off the ground).  Here is why I got rid of the bed...the bed started to creek the minute Mickey would fidget but when he landed after levitation, this bed would literally groan and creek and crack upon his landing.  

I would wake to this special event at least 17 times a night.  What with my night sweats and Mickey's levitation's, I would get about 3 minutes of sound sleep a night.  Well, after one particularly challenging night I woke and exclaimed that there would be changes.

After getting everyone off to school and work I began to take the bed apart.  I lifted the queen's mattress out of the frame, a feat that literally makes me a Greek Spartan.  Then I  hauled the entire, gianormous bed frame up the stairs and out the door to the garage by myself.  I then hauled out the two night stands, mirror and the dresser with the marble top that weighed 500 pounds, up the stairs and out to the garage.  I called my daughter who loved this bedroom set and told her that it was all hers and to come and get it.

The Nest

After removing all said bedroom furniture from the room I then returned to my bedroom.  All that remained was the queens mattress, just laying there quietly on the floor and oddly, I LOVED it!  I flung myself spread eagle onto the mattress and guess what happened...nothing.......silence.  I was a genius!  My bedroom had become my comfy, silent, simple, lovely, sleeping NEST.  

That's the room my husband walked into that night...the comfy, silent, simple, lovely sleeping nest.  He looked shocked and then asked, "What happened?"  I told him I made improvements.  

Since this incidence, I have to say that have I improved the room a tiny bit more.  I purchased two, easier to dust, night stands and actually painted a noise and dust proof headboard onto the wall.  Some of my kids still think the headboard is real. 

I love it!  I sleep like a baby! If I fall out of bed it doesn't even hurt.  I don't have to dust, not even UNDER the bed and when Mickey levitates I don't even know it.  He can launch himself 4 feet if he likes and the queens mattress doesn't even budge.  God Bless the Queen!

Spartanism?....the perfect psychiatric disorder to have.     

Hum.....does anyone want a big sectional couch and the husband sitting on it?    I'll throw in the big screen as a package deal.



*Thanks to Shauna, Pat, and Lynn for the inspiration for this blog  (All closet Spartans)