What is that smell?

The nose is a truly versatile body part.  Your nose can be used for so many different things.  A nose is what you breathe through. It is used for holding up glasses. It can be pierced and decorated.  It is used for filtering and keeping small foreign particles out of your lungs.  It is used to enhance facial expressions.  Most important of all, a nose is for smelling.

This is my daughter crinkling her nose at a very young age and showing her distaste for the food I was feeding her.  We all know this look.  I get this look often when I wear something or say something that one of my teenagers does not approve of.


Smell is an amazing sense.  It can bring about such happiness or complete disgust.  I love the smell of hot baked cinnamon rolls, the rain, sauteed garlic, that just fresh out the shower smell, the ocean, the mountains, chocolate chip cookies, a backyard barbeque and countless other pleasant smells.  


I hate stinky things.  I hate halitosis the most, followed by bodily gasses, BO, and dead decaying carcasses.


I have a theory that men and women have completely different ways of processing smells.  Women will smell something they enjoy and think of pleasant memories that the smell reminds them of.  Men, on the other hand only appreciate stinky smells.  I don't think men even notice pleasant smells unless it has to do with food.  


Let me give you an example. Any one of my sons thinks that one of the best things in life is when they pass gas amongst each other. It becomes even better for these boys if someone else smells it and makes a comment about how gross the smell is.  It then can become a huge and hysterically funny event if the smell makes someone around them physically sick.    


This is how they entertain themselves, especially when hunting, fishing or watching sporting events.


I also believe that the men in my family use their smells as a weapon.  Let's be honest, when a group of males are watching a game on TV they just don't appreciate women being in the same room.  According to them, we talk too much and make stupid comments about a game we don't get.  Apparently football players don't care what color their uniforms are and how they fit. 

Guys would prefer that we make them snacks for their game, deliver them to their easy chairs and then leave the room.  If a woman chooses to sit in a room with men to watch a game then they put themselves in a very precarious position.   This is when the men use their gaseousness to clear the room.  If a women gets one small hint of a bad smell, I will guarantee you that every female in the room will leave.  My husband is in on this smell thing too but won't admit it.  


The whole difference between the olfactory system of men's noses and women's noses starts in the brain.  It has to do with the way we process information.


First, women have the ability to detect one part hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane (the 3 chemicals in bodily gas when it is passed) to one trillion parts fresh air.  (This is true for all things stinky). Men can not smell most stinky things at all.


Second, when women smell anything stinky, their brains do not register the stinky smell as a hysterically funny experience but rather the smell sends off an alarm to the common sense lobe of the brain that tells us it's time to flee the area surrounding the stinkyness. This radius of bad smell is typically an area of about 100 yards in any direction from the center of the body of the offender.  The offender will typically be male.


I learned about boys and their smells years ago.  Can anyone see what is wrong with the following picture? (I know you are thinking that there are about 7 things that are buggy in this picture). 


This is a picture of my family while we were on a road trip.  We are driving in a suburban with a bench seat in front, therefore, one of my daughters (who is not shown in this picture) is riding in front by me and my husband. (Of course she was in her car seat and cars back then did not have air bags!).

This picture was taken before I learned everything I know about smells and managing them.  Now the obvious error here is that we are not transporting ourselves in a bus, by airplane or just staying home.  The next error is that the boys and girls are mixed together throughout the vehicle.  


That road trip was the last road trip we took with that seating arrangement.  From then on we always took road trips with the four boys on the very back seat and the four girls on the middle seat. Now for those of you not picking up on the obvious, the reason for the boys in the very back seat is that when they smelled bad, then I had two rows of kids for the smell to pass over before it hit the front seat.  It gave us just enough time from the first complaint the girls made about the stink, to roll down all of the windows before the smell hit the front seat.  A genius plan!  


I want you now to imagine something in your minds.  Picture a suburban with 10 people in it.  There is a luggage rack on top and strapped to this are two canvas carriers filled to the brim with luggage, rollerblades, and tennis rackets.  Tied to the sides of the luggage rack are boogie boards and fishing poles.  On the back of the suburban is a bike rack carrying three bikes and inside in the very very back the car is stacked to the ceiling with Costco food and anything else that wouldn't fit into the canvas carriers.  Inside is mass mayhem. There are children everywhere.   As this suburban cruises down the road, every few minutes all of the windows roll down and then back up.  


Now after that visual, does anyone doubt that smells are an issue on our road trips?

I have learned to deal with smells in many creative ways since I became a wife and mother.  One good way to deal with smells is to wear nose plugs  
but since nose plugs aren't always handy or comfortable you just need to leave the area surrounding the source of the stink.  Remember the 100 yard rule.


PS. Hey all you men out there..........MATCHES DON'T WORK!  When you light a match, all women smell is stink with a hint of match.


Excuse me, I have to leave the house now.  I smell something.