Golf, Outhouses and Forehead Hematomas

This week the Masters tournament was played. In honor of the Masters, which is Mickey's favorite golf tournament, I'm going to write about my experiences with golf.  I didn't grow up playing or watching golf so when I got married I was introduced into the golf world by my husband.  Mickey has been golfing with his dad and brothers since he was a young child. 

Mickey decided that I needed to learn to golf so he purchased some clubs for me and took me to a golf course with his dad Dave and his two brothers, Steve and David K.  The first thing I learned is that golf is not as easy as it looks and people that have been golfing their entire life are not that patient with beginners.  Also, the game has a lot of rules of etiquette you should follow.  I learned quickly that you don't chat while someone is getting ready to hit the ball and if you start yapping while they're swinging then you get yelled at.

The next thing I learned is that you always have to hurry because the people behind you are always waiting even if you don't see anyone behind you.  If you are a beginner then you don't get practice swings.  You just have to hurry and put the ball on the T and hit it if you can.  There is no time for dilly dallying in golf even though it takes 8 hours to play a round.

Oh, here's a good one.......if someone is putting and you are standing there watching, for the love of everything holy, make sure your shadow is not near the ball or the path where the ball may go or even in the vicinity of the person putting the ball.  Golfers are very touchy about shadows. 

Don't even get me going about the rules that apply to hitting a ball in the water, out of bounds or somewhere where the ball's not supposed to be. This will happen most of the time when you are learning to golf but you will need a calculator, a tape measure and an official golf rule book to try and figure out the score and where you are supposed to drop your ball.  This is the time that arguments arise and sometimes bodily contact occurs betwixt Mickey and his brothers.

Also, did you know that if you swing at the ball and don't hit it, that still counts as a hit or in golf talk......a stroke.   

There are a lot of these types of rules in golf.  It all seems very strict and like you have to be well behaved on the course but after golfing with Mickey's dad and brothers I realized that etiquette is followed when hitting the ball but the rest of the time, it's a free for all.  

David K, Mickey, Dave, Steve

I never knew that golf could be a full contact sport.  Mickey, Steve and David K loved to bug their dad while golfing.  If Mickey's dad Dave entered the outhouse during a round golf, Mickey and his brothers would jump into the golf cart and run the cart into the outhouse, trying to push it a little ways or knock it over WHILE Dave was using it.  Dave would come out and grab a club and go after his sons.  According to me, his actions were justified.  

Our sons picked up on the fun of bugging grandpa Dave.  Rocky and Whitey, when they were young, went golfing with Dave one day. They happened upon a little blue robin's egg while on the course.  They picked up the egg and threw it at Dave hitting him in the side of the head. With yolk running down the side of his face, Dave picked up his 9 iron and took off after the boys, swinging.   Once again this was probably justified but I started to wonder if golf is a more dangerous sport than it appears.

I also learned that miracles can happen on the golf course.  One miracle that really stands out is the time that Mickey hit a ball into some thick trees.  Everyone knew he would never find his ball and yet he found his ball on the edge of the fairway by the trees.  His dad walked over to where Mickey found his ball and this was the conversation: 

Dave: "Mickey that is not your ball."

Mickey:  "It IS my ball. There it is!"  

Dave: "Nope. Your ball was white and this one is yellow." 

Mickey: "Well it went in white and came out yellow and that's the miracle of it all." 

Sid when she realized
she hit a hole in one

Another miracle was the time my daughter Sid, my son Mickey and I went golfing.  We were on a par 3 hole (That means you should be able to hit it into the hole with three hits). Sid hit her ball and we saw it hit the green but then lost sight of it.  All three of us headed to the green and searched for Sid's ball. We couldn't find it but noticed that the people playing behind us were yelling at us. I thought we had breached something in golf etiquette or we were dilly dallying but realized they were trying to tell us to look in the hole. Sure enough Sid's ball was right there in the hole and we had no clue she had hit a hole in one!  After I saw that, I assumed that everyone hit a hole in one once in a while.  Mickey explained to me that he has never seen a hole in one, in person, in his entire life of golfing.  I learned that holes in one are not that common and that in my short golf career I had already seen something Mickey hadn't.  Shari 1 Mickey 0.

Golf involves a lot of betting.  I've seen more bets made on a golf course than I have in Vegas.  Mickey's bets are very creative.  One common bet is the flicking bet.  So whoever loses gets a flick on the forehead.  You bend your middle finger, hold it back with your thumb, release your thumb and let your middle finger fly, as hard as you can, right into the middle of the losers forehead.  I have seen hematomas form from a well placed flick by a Taylor.  Mickey told me that his brother David K has a weighted finger (he broke it I think).  He said David K has an unfair advantage with flicking because of his special finger.  When the Taylors finish a round of golf, you can always tell who won by who is NOT sporting a red hematoma in the middle of their forehead. 

When you golf with our family it can become quite competitive.  For some reason every time I golf with Mickey I feel my competitiveness coming out.  I just want to beat him.  Mickey is much better than I am at golf so we have to make up rules so I can win.  For instance, last summer we finished out the golf season by playing a round with my two daughters, Madisyn and Maggey and my son in law Matt.   Matt is new to golf and the rest of us aren't that good except Mickey (who, I might add, has been golfing his whole life and plays a lot.)  Matt can hit the ball a mile but we are never sure quite where the ball will go.  

Our five some with the sexy beast in back

We decided to play "best ball" for this round of golf.  That's a game where the ball that is hit into the best position is the position that everyone hits from except Mickey.  Mickey was his own team against all four of us. On the last hole we were tied. Madisyn, Maggey and I all hit terrible shots.  Our only hope was Matt.  We held our breath and watched quietly of course.  Matt walked onto the Tee box, tee'd up his ball.  It fell off. He tee'd it up again.  You could feel the pressure Matt was under.  He adjusted his golf shorts in back, took a practice swing then hit the ball.  He hit it a mile! It landed smack on the green not far from the hole! It was a winner shot!  It was a thing of beauty.  I just lost it.  I was sooo happy and so into the competition that I started jumping up and down.  I actually had an out of body experience.  Before I knew what was happening I yelled out to Matt, "You beast! You beast! You sexy beast!"

Silence.............

They all stopped and stared at me.  Madisyn said, "MOM!  Are you serious?"  

It was in that moment that I realized what I had said.  Oh my noooooo!

Maggey was dumbfounded and finally said, "You know mom, that's my husband and you're  his MOTHER IN LAW!

I had no words.  The only thing I can say for myself is that apparently I have no control of what comes out my yapper in the heat of competition!

Matt just stood there with a blank look.  

I must say that golf can be fun but perhaps it's just not my game.  I don't love it enough to be a good player but I do enjoy the competition and so far I've never suffered from a forehead hematoma.  Lastly, when golfing with the Taylors, just a heads up, never enter an outhouse and when you're not looking they drive the golf cart over your ball and smash it into the grass.