Ice Holes

My family does a lot of fishing.  They love to fly fish, deep sea fish, float tube, ice fish, and pretty much engage in any kind of fishing they can find.  


Many summer weekends Mickey would take the five oldest kids fishing........some winter weekends too.   


When Mickey and the kids would return home from their day of fishing,  I would hear stories that were fun and entertaining most of the time but on occasion there were stories that I found horrifying.  


The following is just one of those stories....


The five oldest kids and Mickey decided to go ice fishing one winter morning.  I personally don't understand it.  Can you imagine dragging five kids out in the freezing cold to go drill a hole in some ice, put a line into that hole and stand around this 4 inch hole waiting for something to bite on your line.  After standing there for about ten minutes, you can bank on the fact that one of those 5 kids will start freezing and then  the whining will start and then someone will get hungry and eventually they will all have to go potty. 


I think Mickey has the special ability to ignore all of that.   


While they were all out there on the ice waiting to catch a fish, apparently Whitey and Rocky got bored.  Shocker!  So the boys decided to perk things up a bit and they drilled a hole into the ice, away from where Mickey was fishing. They drilled this hole just big enough for someone to step into it with one foot and fall into the water up to their hip. 

Whitey and Rocky going fishing....

They then carefully covered the hole with snow so the poor, unsuspecting victim would not see it and they would fall in.  


The boys finished their project and found their victim.  Sid and Jensine were playing nicely over on the snow when the boys decided to call Jensine (who was about 6 at the time) over to where they were standing.  


Whitey and Rocky moved a few feet from their special ice hole and hollered back at Jensine.  It went something like this:


Boys: Hey Jensine come over here for a minute
Jensine: Why?
Boys: Because we want you to
Jensine: Ok (she started walking towards them)
Boys: Walk a little bit that way (as they pointed towards their left)
Jensine: Ok
Boys: Now a little bit that way (as they point towards their right)
Jensine:Ok (I'm wondering if Jensine is at all curious as to why they have a path all laid out for her.)
Boys: Now just straight


Jensine tromped along like a nice, trusting sister as they guided her right towards their target spot on the ice.


As Jensine got closer they yelled for her to keep on coming.  The boys started to get excited about her forthcoming doom.


Jensine walked towards the boys as they guided her right into their evil ice hole.   One minute you see Jensine and the next you see her torso with one leg into the hole up to her hip and the other at right angles to her body. 


Not sure what the boys plans were after this.

They were however, in hysterics and jumping up and down, loving that they were so clever.


Jensine started to howl immediately. Sid started pulling at her arms, trying to free her from the freezing water and eventual hypothermia.  Mickey went over drug her out of the ice hole and asked the boys what they were thinking. They apparently weren't so Mickey ordered them to take off their dry pants and socks and shoes and give them to Jensine.  They then had the option of putting on Jensine's wet and too small pants and shoes or going naked.  


I have two questions that I never asked.  1) What determined which boy had to take off his pants? 2) Which boy took off his shoes and socks? 3) Did they each take off one sock and one shoe and hop around the ice? And lastly HOW MUCH LONGER DID THEY STAY LOOKING AT THAT ICE HOLE WAITING FOR A FISH TO BITE WHILE SOME OF THE KIDS STOOD AROUND HALF NAKED?


My guess is the rest of the day.


By the way Jensine still likes to go fishing.  Go figure.

The Dreaded Sea Tick

Every year for over 20 years my family took a trip down to New Port beach thanks to my grandma Verna. 


This trip was our favorite trip of the year.  Most of our time was spent out on the beach watching the kids play the waves.  My kids loved to go boogie boarding.  They would spend most of the day doing this.  


A boogie board looks like this.............

It's made out of foam type material and you lay on it to ride the waves.

After riding waves on a boogie board all day long, as you can well imagine, you tend to develop a small issue with chafing.  Between the sand, salt water and tender parts,  the person riding the boogie board all day gets nipple and belly chafage.


I would hear complaints from my boys about their chafing issues. Now there are several remedies to help the chafing.  It's just that most of them really don't work.


Whitey tried sea weed once ..............

(or perhaps he just wanted to see what it was like to wear a bikini.)

Sometimes you'd see a family member with band aids placed strategically on chafed areas.  Sometimes, when there was no solution to the problem, the kids would just compare the severity of chafing............

My two sons and nephew comparing nippage chafing

One day my young son Whitey came in from the beach and he and his brother Rocky were very concerned.  Whitey said he had a dark spot by his belly button that was hurting and he wanted to know what it was.  

Now I'm not without my petty tortures.  I know Mickey Sr. is usually the guy for the job but I like to have my fun now and then.  Mickey will usually join in the fun if I start it.  Anyway, I knew that from the time Whitey was tiny that he had a small dark mole right by his navel.  I thought that he would have noticed that mole by now but apparently not so I just put two and two together.  Chafing + dark mole=sea tick.  

My next thought was, "This is going to be good."  

I inspected his mole closely while he and Rocky waited patiently for my diagnosis.  I made a lot of  uhh uh, hum, wow, I can't believe this, sounds.  

After a few tense moments I said, "Boy, I haven't seen this in a long time. In fact I don't know if I've ever seen this before but I can't believe this."  Whitey and Rocky's eyes got big as pies and in unison they said, "What?  What is it?"

In a very matter of fact way and almost sounding like the Dr., I pronounced my diagnosis........."Whitey, you have a sea tick."

Rocky started jumping up and down with excitement and Whitey looked a tich panicked but ready to deal with the treatment.  

Whitey then asked me, "What will it do to me."

I told him nothing if we removed it quickly but that sea ticks are dangerous when left in the skin.

At this point I was still wondering how in the world does this kid not know that that's his mole that he's been looking at for years?"  

This was almost too good to be true.  Whitey then said, "So how do I get it out?"  

Well, that was obvious to me......."You have to remove it just the same as you would a regular tick...........by holding a match to it."

By now Rocky was in full jumping, laughing and wincing mode.  

Next thing I heard was Mickey in the background saying, "Shari, let me handle this one.  Whitey I'll get it out right now."

Of course Mickey jumped in when it was time for the real fun.  He ran and grabbed some matches and had everyone gather round.  

Then Mickey said, "Ok Whitey, are you ready?  I'll just light this match and hold it to the tick and then it will get so hot it will back right out of your skin and you're good to go."

Whitey moaned, grunted and said, "Ready."  

Mickey lit the match.  I was thinking, how far do we go?  (now that's a scary thought coming from a parent)

Mickey held the lit match to the sea tick and before it started to burn Whitey's mole I stopped the fun.  I proceeded to try to tell Whitey the truth.  The laughter was killing me and I was still wondering how he didn't recognize his own mole.  

Ahh good times.

Wow I miss the beach!

Kindergarten and Brain Recesses

Tyler in kindergarten

When Tyler was in kindergarten he was quite the character and by the end of his kindergarten school year I knew every person on the school staff by first name and they all knew mine and especially Tyler's.  




It all started with a phone call I received one morning from one of the school secretaries informing me that school had been in session for a whole month and Tyler had yet to be on time.  The teacher was very concerned and so was the principal.  


I told her that was impossible since I drove him everyday and I dropped him off in the kindergarten drop off area.  I personally watched him walk around the corner to where the kindergarten doors were and from there I assumed he "entered" the kindergarten doors and began his day.  I told her that I knew he was being dropped off within 5 or 10 minutes of school start time.  


She said that he was always about a half hour late.  So I replied with the ever so brilliant question of, "Well when does school start for the kindergarteners?"  Ty was in afternoon kindergarten and I was told it started at 12:30.  Sure enough the secretary told me that afternoon kindergarten started at 12:30.  


I told her I dropped him off at about 12:20 sharp but that I would talk to Ty and find out where the problem was.  I was pretty sure that Tyler was not the kind of kid that could just sit in a classroom and be on time but remain unnoticed.  If anyone knows Ty you know that he talks to everyone he comes in contact with.  I promise a teacher would always know when Tyler entered the building.


After hanging up with the secretary I sat Tyler down and began my discussion.  


It went something like this:


Me: Tyler, so the secretary of your school called.


Ty: Oh? Pam called?  (Tyler is always on a first name basis with school staff)


Me: Yes.  Anyway, she said you are about a half hour late to school every day.                                       That is really late.  How long does it take you to walk in the door and into your class?


Ty: Shrug


Me: So Ty are you late?


Ty: Shrug


Me: Ty when you walk into your classroom are the kids all there?


Ty: Yes.


Me: Well what are they doing?


Ty: School stuff.


Me: Have they done the Pledge of Allegiance?


Ty: Shrug

Me: Did you notice that you were late?


Ty: No.


Me: Ty, after I drop you off and you walk around the corner, do you go into the kindergarten doors and go to class right away?


Ty: No.


Me: WHY?


Ty: Cause I like to take recess first and then I go to school. 


OK. So mystery solved.  Ty chose to take recess first with the first graders.  Really, when you think about it, it's genius! 


So I had a little chat with Ty and pointed out that he didn't get to pick his recesses but that he could only go to recess when the teacher said he could. 


I called the secretary and explained the situation and just asked her if she would let me know if Tyler was late in the future.


I noticed that throughout Tyler's school years he continued to take recess frequently during the day only it was a little recess, here and there, in his mind.  He took these recesses until the day he graduated.  I do have proof he graduated.....recesses and all.  Oh I was so proud and relieved that day!




Exactly just what Tyler did during those special kindergarten recesses is a whole nother blog.


I'm off now to go take a recess of my own.  

Training Bra Help Needed on Isle 9

You know there are actually times when I feel bad for my children.  This does not happen often but it has happened before.  

My husband Mickey had children so he would have someone to tease.  Not one of my children have escaped his small and sometimes rather large tortures.  Today one such event came to mind and I decided the truth needs to be told. 

A few years ago Mickey and I decided to go shopping at a local store that is one of those stores that has food, as well as, other goods such as clothing, housewares, and odds and ends.  We loaded up the three youngest kids and a couple of the older ones.  One of the older kids that decided to come with us that day was our daughter Sid.  She thought it sounded fun.  Little did she know.

While we were shopping Mickey and I wandered over to the clothing area of the store with the children in tow.  Sid was about 14 at the time and in Junior high.  

As you all know, this is an age when kids are trying to establish some self confidence.  In our family this is the age when you have the perfect opportunity to embarrass your kids and it's not even that difficult. 

Mickey never misses a good opportunity to embarrass someone.  Remember this when you are in his company.

Anyway, while browsing in the clothing department we just happened upon the women's underwear section and in particular the bra section.  As we moved through the underwear section I glanced at Mickey and saw a familiar look on his face.  It's what I would call a stinky grin.  Right in the middle of the bra section was a counter with the register and a microphone behind the counter that employees...let me repeat....employees use to make announcements over the PA.  Don't mind that Mickey spied the microphone and immediately went behind the counter to pick it up and make an announcement.  


Poor unsuspecting Sid was just following the family through the underwears and bras when she saw her dad pick up the microphone from behind the counter and in horror heard the following over the PA, "Can I please get some help finding a training bra for my daughter, Sid Taylor, in isle 9?"

Visual Aid of the post 

Sid launched herself behind the counter and charged at Mickey like a buzz saw.  Mickey, being only 6 inches taller than Sid and weighing 100 pounds more than my 14 year old daughter, ran from her and almost into a post.


Now let me explain this post.  I'm not exactly sure what the post was for or why it was placed in Mickey's escape route but it was about 12 feet tall  and about the size of a tether ball post and it had a wooden platform that it was screwed into.  The platform was about a 12 inch square and was not attached to anything but rather just sitting on the floor.


Well, as Mickey ran he barely saw the post in time and put his arms out to avoid running into it.  Instead he just grabbed the post and pushed it forward thus raising one side of the platform a few inches off of the ground.

More visual aid

With his catlike reflexes and while in flight from Sid he stepped down on the platform with his foot which in turn pulled the post towards his face as it snapped back into place.  


As the post righted itself it smacked Mickey right behind the ear hole producing a golf ball sized bump.  

The last visual aid

Aahhhh............It was a thing of beauty.  I guess the only thing I could say is "What goes around, comes around to hit you in the hear hole."


Sid felt a lot better after seeing the rather large goose egg form behind his ear.


I stood there with the other kids and enjoyed the whole event.  


Sid never did get her training bra assistance that day.

Ralph's Spandex Fetish

Anyone that knows me knows that I love my dogs.  I have two.  A tiny toy poodle named Wilson..... 

........and a standard poodle named Ralph,

Because Wilson is only about 3 and a half pounds, he can't do much damage but Ralph on rare occasions, can cause some damage.

We had one such incident last week.  You see Ralph loves spandex.  He loves putting the material between his teeth and grinding back and forth on the material while making an eeeee, eeeeee, eeeee, sound.  

I have warned my family that Ralph favors spandex and Lycra type items.  

Ralph also has one other fetish and there is no delicate way to put this so I'll come straight out and say it.....he enjoys the crotch of any item of clothing that he can get his canines on.  There......I've said it and I won't go into why he has this last fetish, just know that it is his thing.  I have also given my family fair warning of this.  

The first time I noticed Ralph had this fetish was when he found my teenage daughter's thong (yes she went through that stage) and brought it outside to share with the neighbor's dog Winnie (also a standard poodle).  The dogs each grabbed a piece of thong floss and stretched that bright orange bad boy from my driveway to the neighbors lawn.  They got that thong stretched out a good 15 feet before it snapped.  Ralph then gnawed on it and later my neighbor found remnants of that orange thong on his lawn.

One day last week Ralph succumbed to his temptation and entered my daughter Maggey's room.  Maggey, like all teenagers, does not hang her clothing or put it away but drops it where she removes it from her bod.  

Long story short the temptation was too great for Ralph (who hadn't had a relaspe since the time Mickey's shorts fell victim)

Secretly Mickey likes wearing his shorts this way.  It's like wearing a thong..

So Ralph nabbed Maggey's favorite pair of workout spandex and did this to them....

All he left Maggey was a Tarzan flap in the front and one in the back.  

Once Ralph falls off the wagon it's all down hill.  He also gnawed on her favorite jeans with just a tich of Lycra in them and a day later when Maggey went to put them on she had a new type of ventilation system in her

 jeans.

The last garment I was told that became a victim of Ralph fetishes were these.....

These are Maggey's favorite running shorts.  

Maggey was mad.  In fact she was furious.  She came into my room holding up a couple of the tattered items and told me she was going to KILL Ralph.  

By the time she found the last item, she was so angry that she came into my room, held up the half eaten item and yelled, "Mom, why did you let Ralph do this?"

I just said,  "Well Maggey, when you are at school I find Ralph and drag him into your room and pick out your most favorite clothing item and say 'Eat the crotch of these because it has Lycra in them and Maggey loves them' and he does".  

This comment made Maggey so mad that she said, "This hole in my jeans is too perfectly round and there are no teeth marks so I know you did this and not Ralph."

Now I realize that we all say things in moments of anger that we really don't mean but this was one for the books.  

I began picturing myself going into my daughters room and gnawing on her Lycra pant's crotches.   Ok really?

I merely said,  "Maggey, lets think about what you just said.  I may do a lot of things that you find strange and even a bit quirky but chewing on my daughter's spandex just isn't one."

I'm off now to see if I can find some spandex to gnaw on.  Perhaps Ralph is onto something.

Ralph smiling after getting his Lycra fix.

Valentines Analysis

Valentines was just yesterday and I wanted to blog about this special lovers day but found myself just being fascinated by this holiday (if in fact it really is a holiday).  

Think about it.......somebody made up a holiday about a fat, naked guy going around shooting people with a bow and arrow.   The person that's shot is supposed to fall in love?  I'm thinking, wow, that's a stretch.

Since none of that makes sense to me I suggest that we could go with the theory that greeting card companies, candy companies and flower shops needed a holiday to sell more of their wares.  I don't like this theory because it seems so cynical so I think I will make up my own reason as to why we celebrate Valentines.   

I have come to the conclusion that men love Valentines Day because they think they get more action and women like it because they like getting flowers and candy and cards with loving and romantical sentiments written on them.  I personally like it for the food.  I am not sa romantic and years ago taught my husband that he can replace the cards, flowers and candy for money.  I go for the cash every time.  I will also accept gift cards and going out to lunch or dinner as a gift too.  

In my final stages of Valentine analysis I decided to go through my many pictures and see if I could find a romantic, valentines type photo of Mickey and I and I will tell you that I found 1 picture in the 13,785 pictures I own.  

I am posting it because it is perfect for me to analyze on this very blog. Here she is:

Now I realize that you are all saying to yourself... "Wow!  Where do we begin?"   Let me help you out and start with the most obvious.  This photo screams at me "shutty your mouths please".  If you ask me what we were thinking the answer would have to be we weren't.  This photo is from 1989 at our wedding. 

 Let me also say that between the two of us we had five kids and the oldest was six.  This is who we brought to the party that day and when I look at our kissing photo I'm thinking "enough already". 

Then we added these three to the mix.

So now back to the lovers picture.  I will repost it here so we can do some more analyzing.

Wow again.

There are just so many things here to discuss.  My next thought would be Why would we kiss like that in front of our five kids, photographer and most importantly in front of our entire family? Is Mickey trying to devour me in front of all of these people? I don't have an answer to that one.  I'm hoping that we were both talking up close and the photographer just happened to snap the picture so it looks like.....oh whatever.

Next, Mickey's hair is so dark and fabulous but hi, welcome to the 80's.  It looks like I have a rather large rodent nesting in my locks.  Not sure what happened there but I will go with the excuse that I didn't have time for much hair care with the five kids.  

Next, if you look closely you will see that my eyes are closed (which is entirely normal for these types of kisses) but what is Mickey looking at?  He's got his eyes open a crack and is staring at something.  I know he's not staring at my cleavage because of our next point of analysis......

Check out my collar!  This beautiful wedding dress is 3/4 collar.  Does this accentuate my boosies or just draw the eye upward towards the rodent nest in my hair?  Not sure.

Why is my wedding dress red?  Did I choose this because I felt like a harlot at my second wedding.  Yes, Mickey and I had both been married before.  (See previous five children picture).

Mickey's body language is telling me something.  He's leaning away and grabbing onto the wall while I'm hanging on his tie.  Why?  Perhaps deep down he was running from his fear of five children and a new wife who subconsciously feels like a harlot or perhaps it was simply fear of my open mouth.

Enough said about this photo.  

I'm off now to go to my annual Valentines lunch and see if there is cash involved.

Puberty shots

Score one for the parentals!

For some strange reason my husband Mickey and I have always found great joy in some of the medical type things we do with our kids i.e. immunizations, flu shots, annual exams, and dental appointments.  I figure if you have to do these things with your kids why not have a tich of fun along the way.  Mickey and I have a tendency to make up a few facts when talking to our kids about these types of things.  Our information is not always that accurate but for Mickey and I this is fun and also a way to get back at all of their naughtiness.





I will tell you about a couple of these instances.


One day I decided it was time for the kids to go get their flu shots.  Since a few of them have asthma, their pediatrician thought it would be a good idea.  I thought......"This could be fun".

Taylors eligible for "S" surprise
plus parental escorts

So Mickey and I told all of the kids to load up into the suburban and we would go do something that was a surprise.   After everyone was loaded into the car they all started trying to guess what the surprise was.  I told them it started with an "S".  


You should have heard their guesses........We're going to a show.............We're going shopping......... to buy some surprises...........we're going to get slurpees ........sandwiches ...........skiing ...........sledding ........skating........and on and on.  They guessed everything a person could do that started with an "S".


We let them guess while we sat up in the front smiling like Cheshire cats.  


After about 15 minutes we pulled right into the pediatricians office and those kids looked at each other and us with bewildered and confused faces.  Mickey and I were still grinning.   These are the looks on their faces that we live for.   


One of the kids said, "Huh???  Why are we here?"  I exclaimed in my most happy and perky voice that this was their surprise.  More confusion came from the backseat until one of our smarter kids said,  "Shots!  Not Shots!  That's not a surprise!"  They all started shouting at us, "That's not why were here.  It's not shots is it?  That's our surprise?  That's a stupid surprise!"  


I hollered back at them like they had just won the lottery,  "You guessed it, it's shots!" 


They were not happy.  One of them said, "That's not a surprise!"  I said to them, "Well you're surprised aren't you?"


And score one for the parents.

Kindergarten daughter

The next event was similar in that I was taking one of my daughters to get her kindergarten shots.  Her older brothers, Whitey and Rocky, were teasing her and telling her how much the shots hurt and how horrible kindergarten shots are.  


As Mickey and I listened.  Mickey just turned to my daughter and said, "Don't worry, the kindergarten shots aren't bad at all and they aren't near as bad as the shots the boys have to get when they turn twelve.  


The boys perked up and said, "Why do we have to get shots when we turn 12."  (They were about 11 at the time)


I said, "You have to get "puberty shots."  One of the boys said, "What are puverty shots."  


Mickey said,  Oh, they're shots boys have to get when they go into puberty and turn twelve.  All boys have to get them before they can go to Jr. High just like all kids have to get kindergarten shots before they go to kindergarten.


It was clear that Whitey and Rocky were not happy about this but just said that they didn't care because they didn't have to get them for another year.


Then I piped up and said, "Well the shots aren't the bad part."


Mickey said,  "It's WHERE they give you the shots that's the bad part."


They both got that dumbfounded facial expression and asked where exactly do these shots go.


Mickey said, "Oh you know.  Come on guys you've heard about this."


Boys, "No we haven't.  Where do they go?'


Mickey pointed straight down to what I have referred to before as "Nether regions."

Whitey and Rocky learning about puberty shots

The boys hands went straight to their mouths.  They started to squirm.  They looked at each other.  They grabbed their nether regions.  They turned to me and asked, "Mom is that true?  Where do they really give us our shots?"


I whispered oh so very quietly right in their little ears, "Right in the end of your schnitz."


The expression on their faces was that ever priceless expression that we live for!  Can you imagine the talk between those two in the days to come.  I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when they told their friends the bad news.


I feel that this turned out good for everyone.  Mickey and I felt pure joy watching the boys react to this news. They were also somewhat humbled.  Our kindergarten daughter was thrilled to be getting just kindergarten shots and we told her girls didn't have to get puberty shots just boys so she was even happier.


However, it didn't take long for the boys' friends to confirm to Whitey and Rocky that there were no such thing as puverty shots.  It was fun while it lasted.

Wouldn't you just love to see
this kid get a Guardisil shot?


 I'm off to see if the school nurse can give Mickey Jr. the Guardisil shot.  It's for cervical cancer and I see no reason why he shouldn't get it while
Maggey is getting hers.  So far I have been turned down for the past 2 years but it doesn't hurt to ask again.  I only have a year left for me to try to get it for Mickey before he graduates.  I will also request that the shot be given in the usual puberty shot place.