My New Career

My daughter in law, Amy is a nurse.  She has wonderful benefits with her job of which I am jealous.  I told her that maybe I should go work at the hospital for the benefits.  

Every once in a while Amy will send me an email about a job opening at the hospital.  I don't know how she finds these wonderful jobs but she does!  

Recently, she found a job for me that requires taking care of lab mice and cleaning their cages.  She said she knew I love animals and thought this would be the perfect job for me!  

Now I realize that I have been out of the job market for some time  (about 28 years) but after raising kids for that many years I can guarantee you that I  am a hard worker with some serious skills.  My skills are exactly what a hospital needs!   

I decided I needed to write up a resume so I could apply for any great jobs Amy might send my way.  


Here is the best I could come up with:

RESUME FOR EVERYDAY SHARI

30 years experience in emergency room care.  Heaven knows I'm in there every month.  I know the symptoms that signal when emergency care is a necessity.   If a person is blue or bleeding out of any orifices, has a hanging limb or one that looks funny, doesn't know who they are or where they are for more than an hour,  or has been hit by a car or rather large vehicle, then and only then do they require emergency room care.  I can send the fakers to the hospital's 24 hour clinic.  This will save everybody money and prevent 30 hour waiting times in the ER.
  
30 years experience in lab work without the use of a lab.
I have cleaned up all kinds of bodily fluids.  Eight kids can produce all sorts of bodily fluids even those not so well known to man.    What's even more amazing about my bodily fluid skills is that I can almost always identify a bodily fluid, human or non-humanoid, without the use of a lab.  I can also identify where it came from and why it happened.  Dr.'s can't even do that.


I can tape any cut back together without stitches.  I do a good job too.  I have stopped bleeding by taping with the skill of a plastic surgeon.  The bleeding almost always stops and the scar is not too bad if its covered by hair or clothing.  


I can even glue things that don't tape so well.


I can tell you a patients bodily temperature within 1/2 degree just by touching a few their surfaces.


I can diagnose when a person is faking just to get out of work or school.


I can actually diagnose and treat most illnesses and rashes with over the counter stuff.  I am accurate with these diagnoses 98% of the time and my cure rate is most excellent.  


I don't need breaks.  What's a break? I raised 8 kids and haven't taken a break in 30 years so why would I need one now.  This work day is a short 8 hour day anyway.


I don't need an hourly wage.  I just need benefits, therefore,  I will be cheap labor.


I can bring treats and they will be good.


I'm easy to work with.   Don't bug me and I won't bug you! 

I have lots of common sense and can organize and clean with the best of the Merry Maids.  


Lastly, I don't smell funny like many of your patients do.

The End

I am hoping that this resume will be good enough to get me a hospital job with benefits.  

I prepared this resume a few days ago and saved it so I can print it at a moments notice.  

I told Amy to keep looking for jobs for me. ( Its not that I would hate cleaning mouse cages but I can't bear to see mice tortured and I don't want to get "Haunt 0 Virus" from their poo.  The idea is to work at the hospital and not be a patient there).

Well sure enough the job of my dreams was emailed to me by Amy just today.  The following is what she sent me:

Hi Shari,

Want to be a Mole Mapper?

Regards
Amy

Requisition Number :	580
Job Title :	Mole Mapper
Department :	HCH OPC 60C CLINICS C & E
Location :	HUNTSMAN CANCER HOSPITAL

This is it!  This is my perfect job.  I can only imagine someone coming up to me and saying, "So Shari, what do you do for a living?"

I would get to respond, "I'm a mole mapper".

Oh my gosh that's so much better than my standard answer which is "I'm retired".  

Can you believe a person actually gets to map moles? 


I have a sister with lots of moles that I could map to get some practice.   (Would that make my sister the "Mole Mapee"?

I only have one or two rules that must be followed when I take the job.........

1) I don't map warts, skin tags or any unidentified spots

2) I refuse to map mens special parts

3) I am not touching one thing hooked directly to the skin

4) I won't make a mole map of any crevices, cracks or orifices.

Lastly) I will not move, lift, or adjust any hanging body parts to look beneath them for things to map.                                       

I'm off now to apply for "Mole Mapper".  Can't wait to tell someone what I do!  Keep your fingers crossed that I get the job!

Hey, can someone map this please?