The Hamster from Hell

Ahh.......It's Tyler time!  One morning I awoke to do my usual motherly duties of making lunches, getting the school age kids fed and off to school and caring for my preschooler and baby twins.  


Needless to say, my mornings were a bit hectic at best and some mornings were just wild.  This particular morning was what I would call "beyond the wild".  


Let me preface this story by saying that my husband Mickey was traveling quite a bit with his work that year and on this special morning he was out of town.  


The first sound that I heard that morning was a blood curdling scream followed by a crying child.   This made me open one eyeball.  I then heard some yelling and more screaming and general mayhem in the basement where my oldest kids slept.  


I decided I would drag my carcass out of bed and investigate the chaos.  The following is what was hollered down the stairs and back up........


Me: "What's the matter down there?"


Them: "Tyler's hamster is going berserk."


Me: "What's it doing?"


Them: "It's biting all of the other hamster's!"


Me: "Then leave it alone and get ready for school."


Them: "It's hurting the others!"  


One note here.  We started with two "female" hamsters.  Pretty soon they spawned and we had six.  At this point in time we were at 18 hamsters.  That's 3 times as many as what's shown below.  Just picture it. I should have been mother of the year for housing that many pets.

Back to the hollering....

 Me: "There's plenty of hamsters down there so leave the mean hamster alone and we'll take care of it after school."


Them:  "Tyler's crying"


Me: "So?"


Them:  "So he wants us to take out the bad hamster so it won't hurt the others."


Me: "And put it where?"


Them: "In a box."


Me: "Oh for crying out loud"


At this point I hauled myself downstairs dragging the twins and my preschooler to see the devil hamster for myself.  Sure enough it was biting the others.  I told Tyler to take it out and I would find a box.  


Tyler, who was in 3rd grade and about 9 years of age,  reached his hand into the cage and that nasty hamster bit him.  Tyler screeched and started crying.  By the way, Tyler was very good at crying at age 9. 

My oldest daughter said she could do it so she reached in and the stupid thing bit her too!


Whitey, my oldest son, told us to all relax, and that he was the expert because none of us were doing it right but that you just have to grab the thing and it won't bite.  He reached in and the hamster just latched right onto his finger and drew blood.  


At this point I'm thinking, Oh great, now everyone is going to be late for school and then I'm going to have to take them all for rabies shots.  


I told everyone to clear out.  Tyler was sobbing by then.  Most of the kids were  bleeding from hamster bites and my preschooler and twins were crying cause they thought they should.  (They could have used a diaper change too)

This hamster from hell was on my last nerve.  I grabbed one of my son's ski gloves, picked the stupid thing up and marched back up the stairs.  Do you know that vicious thing was trying to bite me right through the glove!  I put the cranky hamster out on the porch, shut the door and said, "Done! Now everyone get ready for school."


Tyler started to howl!  "That is my pet!  How can you do that to my pet!"  I then threatened Tyler and told him to get ready for school.


Everyone got off to school and the morning proceeded.  


No, this is not the end of the story........


About noon I got a call from an angry school counselor and the following is that conversation..........


Me: Hello


Her: Is this Mrs. Taylor


Me: Yes


Her:  This is Mrs. Smith from the elementary school.  I have your son Tyler here with me and he is a very unhappy child.  He has been crying all morning and told me a very disturbing story.  


Me:  Oh yeah. What's that?

Her:  He said that when he got up this morning his pet hamster wasn't feeling well and that his mom wouldn't help the hamster.  And this part, Mrs. Taylor, I am particularily upset by.  Tyler said you just picked up the sick little hamster and flung it out your back door!  I cannot believe you would do this to a child's special pet!"

This is Tyler in third grade.  You can tell he is thinking about his very special pet.

Me:  Mrs. Smith, I would like to clarify for you.  Tyler's sick little hamster is the hamster from hell that this very morning bit practically every child I own and made them all bleed.  Before that, this same special pet tried to eat all of the other hamsters in the cage.  We have 18 you know, so if one dies we have plenty left! Perhaps it was a cage overcrowding problem but I have taken care of some of that.  Tell Tyler so quit his crying and go back to class. And...I never flung anything, I placed.


That was basically the end of the conversation.  Tyler was an expert in elementary school at getting out of class for weird reasons.  He also knows every counselor, principal, janitor and lunch lady by first name.


But that's not the end of the story...........


A few short weeks later I was doing some laundry and noticed a sick and strange smell that occured each time I ran the dryer.  My solution was to just throw in a couple more dryer sheets.

It didn't work.  Every day the stink grew worse.  I try to blame all bad smells on my kids and husband but this time it was obvious that the smell was coming from the dryer.  


For a whole week I added more and more dryer sheets. I went through 2 boxes of dryer sheets and it stunk worse than ever.  Finally the stink got so bad that my husband and boys actually started to notice.  That's when I knew I had to investigate. 


I looked inside the dryer.  I searched outside the dryer and under the dryer. Nothing.  I pulled the dryer from the wall and couldn't see a thing.  The smell only got worse.


It finally occurred to me that perhaps the source of the smell was coming from the dryer vent hose.  Before I could remove the hose and go in, I put on my uranium suit, a face mask, goggles, gloves and grabbed a flashlight and some tongs just in case.  

I took the hose off and low and behold, all dried up staring up at me with beady little eyes was the HAMSTER FROM HELL.  His stinky, little rodent body was saying to me......."That's what you get for putting me out in the cold and making Tyler cry".


Next day, the remaining 17 soon to be 24 hamsters, were taken back to the pet store and sold back for a few bucks (which I gave to Tyler to use later on in life for his therapy). I donated the cage and done!  No more rodents!


I'm off now to dry a load of clothes in my fresh smelling dryer and to bathe my 3 pound, non rodent dog.

Turkey Trickery

As Americans, we love the holidays but we love food more so the perfect holiday for us is Thanksgiving!  Let's be honest, Thanksgiving is about food!  I personally love Thanksgiving and its food.  The only holiday I love more is Christmas because it combines food and presents!  Perfect!


Every Thanksgiving, I cook dinner with my husband.  We tend to divide the different foods between us.  He likes to cook the bird (with a little special help from me), gravy and potatoes.  I do the side dishes such as sweet potatoes, vegies, rolls, dressing and desserts.  


I do have one teeny tiny quirk at Thanksgiving.  I like to do some extra curricular activities with bird.  


For instance, several years ago my mother in law had our family to Thanksgiving dinner for one of her fabulous holiday meals.  My mother in law is a wonderful cook and would tease me frequently about my less than stellar cooking.  This particular year I asked what I could bring to dinner and she said, "Oh, you just come to dinner".  Well that is my clue to do some special cooking.  That year I walked in with a tray and announced to everyone that "I made the turkey!"
  

This is my contribution to the dinner.  A special, burned, cornish game hen garnished with lettuce.  Isn't it beautiful?  

My mother in law kept this bird frozen and would pull it out every year for about 10 years and decorate her Thanksgiving table with it.  Looking at this turkey would just make me warm and tingly.  I was so proud of that bird!

Once we started doing our own Thanksgiving dinner, I decided, "let the bird fun begin".  

One year just a few years ago I decided our turkey needed a special effect.  I cooked the turkey in a bikini.  You do this by putting foil on it's torso to make it look like it is wearing a bikini.  

This turkey arrived at our Thanksgiving table on a platter wearing a bikini.  Oh that was festive and fun!  The turkey boosies looked especially realistic and voluptuous.  (I think some of my girls were secretly jealous of this turkeys tatters).

Last year our turkey gave birth.  I pulled the turkey out of the oven and ceremoniously placed it in front of my husband for him to carve.  (He was in on this turkey trickery with me).  He started carving, paused and said, "Oh my gosh!  No way!!!! All eyes at the table were glued to him. He pulled from the turkey's nether regions a small, identical bird.  He exclaimed, "This turkey was pregnant!  Look, here's the baby and at that moment he delivered a small baby turkey" (It was a cornish game hen that I cooked inside the turkey where the stuffin goes.)

Scariest thing was the reactions of my kids.  One of my children exclaimed, "No way!"  Another said, "Oh that makes me sad!"  There were even a few more comments!  May I say that the youngest person at the table was 15.  I, of course, have this on video for anyone in my family who denies it.

If any of you are thinking "Well that IS sad" or you are thinking "that is amazing!"  then I will pray for you this holiday season!

 I promise I have taught my kids that turkeys lay eggs.

I could use an idea for this year if any of you have Turkey trickery up your sleeve.  

If not, then I'm off to buy a bird and come up with something real special!  

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  

My New Career

My daughter in law, Amy is a nurse.  She has wonderful benefits with her job of which I am jealous.  I told her that maybe I should go work at the hospital for the benefits.  

Every once in a while Amy will send me an email about a job opening at the hospital.  I don't know how she finds these wonderful jobs but she does!  

Recently, she found a job for me that requires taking care of lab mice and cleaning their cages.  She said she knew I love animals and thought this would be the perfect job for me!  

Now I realize that I have been out of the job market for some time  (about 28 years) but after raising kids for that many years I can guarantee you that I  am a hard worker with some serious skills.  My skills are exactly what a hospital needs!   

I decided I needed to write up a resume so I could apply for any great jobs Amy might send my way.  


Here is the best I could come up with:

RESUME FOR EVERYDAY SHARI

30 years experience in emergency room care.  Heaven knows I'm in there every month.  I know the symptoms that signal when emergency care is a necessity.   If a person is blue or bleeding out of any orifices, has a hanging limb or one that looks funny, doesn't know who they are or where they are for more than an hour,  or has been hit by a car or rather large vehicle, then and only then do they require emergency room care.  I can send the fakers to the hospital's 24 hour clinic.  This will save everybody money and prevent 30 hour waiting times in the ER.
  
30 years experience in lab work without the use of a lab.
I have cleaned up all kinds of bodily fluids.  Eight kids can produce all sorts of bodily fluids even those not so well known to man.    What's even more amazing about my bodily fluid skills is that I can almost always identify a bodily fluid, human or non-humanoid, without the use of a lab.  I can also identify where it came from and why it happened.  Dr.'s can't even do that.


I can tape any cut back together without stitches.  I do a good job too.  I have stopped bleeding by taping with the skill of a plastic surgeon.  The bleeding almost always stops and the scar is not too bad if its covered by hair or clothing.  


I can even glue things that don't tape so well.


I can tell you a patients bodily temperature within 1/2 degree just by touching a few their surfaces.


I can diagnose when a person is faking just to get out of work or school.


I can actually diagnose and treat most illnesses and rashes with over the counter stuff.  I am accurate with these diagnoses 98% of the time and my cure rate is most excellent.  


I don't need breaks.  What's a break? I raised 8 kids and haven't taken a break in 30 years so why would I need one now.  This work day is a short 8 hour day anyway.


I don't need an hourly wage.  I just need benefits, therefore,  I will be cheap labor.


I can bring treats and they will be good.


I'm easy to work with.   Don't bug me and I won't bug you! 

I have lots of common sense and can organize and clean with the best of the Merry Maids.  


Lastly, I don't smell funny like many of your patients do.

The End

I am hoping that this resume will be good enough to get me a hospital job with benefits.  

I prepared this resume a few days ago and saved it so I can print it at a moments notice.  

I told Amy to keep looking for jobs for me. ( Its not that I would hate cleaning mouse cages but I can't bear to see mice tortured and I don't want to get "Haunt 0 Virus" from their poo.  The idea is to work at the hospital and not be a patient there).

Well sure enough the job of my dreams was emailed to me by Amy just today.  The following is what she sent me:

Hi Shari,

Want to be a Mole Mapper?

Regards
Amy

Requisition Number :	580
Job Title :	Mole Mapper
Department :	HCH OPC 60C CLINICS C & E
Location :	HUNTSMAN CANCER HOSPITAL

This is it!  This is my perfect job.  I can only imagine someone coming up to me and saying, "So Shari, what do you do for a living?"

I would get to respond, "I'm a mole mapper".

Oh my gosh that's so much better than my standard answer which is "I'm retired".  

Can you believe a person actually gets to map moles? 


I have a sister with lots of moles that I could map to get some practice.   (Would that make my sister the "Mole Mapee"?

I only have one or two rules that must be followed when I take the job.........

1) I don't map warts, skin tags or any unidentified spots

2) I refuse to map mens special parts

3) I am not touching one thing hooked directly to the skin

4) I won't make a mole map of any crevices, cracks or orifices.

Lastly) I will not move, lift, or adjust any hanging body parts to look beneath them for things to map.                                       

I'm off now to apply for "Mole Mapper".  Can't wait to tell someone what I do!  Keep your fingers crossed that I get the job!

Hey, can someone map this please?

What is that smell?

The nose is a truly versatile body part.  Your nose can be used for so many different things.  A nose is what you breathe through. It is used for holding up glasses. It can be pierced and decorated.  It is used for filtering and keeping small foreign particles out of your lungs.  It is used to enhance facial expressions.  Most important of all, a nose is for smelling.

This is my daughter crinkling her nose at a very young age and showing her distaste for the food I was feeding her.  We all know this look.  I get this look often when I wear something or say something that one of my teenagers does not approve of.


Smell is an amazing sense.  It can bring about such happiness or complete disgust.  I love the smell of hot baked cinnamon rolls, the rain, sauteed garlic, that just fresh out the shower smell, the ocean, the mountains, chocolate chip cookies, a backyard barbeque and countless other pleasant smells.  


I hate stinky things.  I hate halitosis the most, followed by bodily gasses, BO, and dead decaying carcasses.


I have a theory that men and women have completely different ways of processing smells.  Women will smell something they enjoy and think of pleasant memories that the smell reminds them of.  Men, on the other hand only appreciate stinky smells.  I don't think men even notice pleasant smells unless it has to do with food.  


Let me give you an example. Any one of my sons thinks that one of the best things in life is when they pass gas amongst each other. It becomes even better for these boys if someone else smells it and makes a comment about how gross the smell is.  It then can become a huge and hysterically funny event if the smell makes someone around them physically sick.    


This is how they entertain themselves, especially when hunting, fishing or watching sporting events.


I also believe that the men in my family use their smells as a weapon.  Let's be honest, when a group of males are watching a game on TV they just don't appreciate women being in the same room.  According to them, we talk too much and make stupid comments about a game we don't get.  Apparently football players don't care what color their uniforms are and how they fit. 

Guys would prefer that we make them snacks for their game, deliver them to their easy chairs and then leave the room.  If a woman chooses to sit in a room with men to watch a game then they put themselves in a very precarious position.   This is when the men use their gaseousness to clear the room.  If a women gets one small hint of a bad smell, I will guarantee you that every female in the room will leave.  My husband is in on this smell thing too but won't admit it.  


The whole difference between the olfactory system of men's noses and women's noses starts in the brain.  It has to do with the way we process information.


First, women have the ability to detect one part hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane (the 3 chemicals in bodily gas when it is passed) to one trillion parts fresh air.  (This is true for all things stinky). Men can not smell most stinky things at all.


Second, when women smell anything stinky, their brains do not register the stinky smell as a hysterically funny experience but rather the smell sends off an alarm to the common sense lobe of the brain that tells us it's time to flee the area surrounding the stinkyness. This radius of bad smell is typically an area of about 100 yards in any direction from the center of the body of the offender.  The offender will typically be male.


I learned about boys and their smells years ago.  Can anyone see what is wrong with the following picture? (I know you are thinking that there are about 7 things that are buggy in this picture). 


This is a picture of my family while we were on a road trip.  We are driving in a suburban with a bench seat in front, therefore, one of my daughters (who is not shown in this picture) is riding in front by me and my husband. (Of course she was in her car seat and cars back then did not have air bags!).

This picture was taken before I learned everything I know about smells and managing them.  Now the obvious error here is that we are not transporting ourselves in a bus, by airplane or just staying home.  The next error is that the boys and girls are mixed together throughout the vehicle.  


That road trip was the last road trip we took with that seating arrangement.  From then on we always took road trips with the four boys on the very back seat and the four girls on the middle seat. Now for those of you not picking up on the obvious, the reason for the boys in the very back seat is that when they smelled bad, then I had two rows of kids for the smell to pass over before it hit the front seat.  It gave us just enough time from the first complaint the girls made about the stink, to roll down all of the windows before the smell hit the front seat.  A genius plan!  


I want you now to imagine something in your minds.  Picture a suburban with 10 people in it.  There is a luggage rack on top and strapped to this are two canvas carriers filled to the brim with luggage, rollerblades, and tennis rackets.  Tied to the sides of the luggage rack are boogie boards and fishing poles.  On the back of the suburban is a bike rack carrying three bikes and inside in the very very back the car is stacked to the ceiling with Costco food and anything else that wouldn't fit into the canvas carriers.  Inside is mass mayhem. There are children everywhere.   As this suburban cruises down the road, every few minutes all of the windows roll down and then back up.  


Now after that visual, does anyone doubt that smells are an issue on our road trips?

I have learned to deal with smells in many creative ways since I became a wife and mother.  One good way to deal with smells is to wear nose plugs  
but since nose plugs aren't always handy or comfortable you just need to leave the area surrounding the source of the stink.  Remember the 100 yard rule.


PS. Hey all you men out there..........MATCHES DON'T WORK!  When you light a match, all women smell is stink with a hint of match.


Excuse me, I have to leave the house now.  I smell something.

Why do they do that?

I have four sons and a husband.  That's a whole lot of boys for one house!  I grew up in a family of five girls and no boys.  When I got married I started to realize that boys are a mystery.  Back then I did not understand why boys do what they do and to be honest I still don't understand much of what they do.  


My husband, Mickey, derives great pleasure in torturing his sons, particularly Whitey.  While he is torturing Whitey, my other son Rocky will laugh hysterically and give his dad new ideas for improved techniques in torture.  In fact when any male person is being persecuted in our house, the other males join in the fun by egging each other on.  Isn't this much like ape behavior?


Mickey started his learning of special techniques for causing pain at such a young age that he is now a pro.  He grew up with two brothers and they are all very good at inflicting suffering on each other.  My husband also has a sister that has grown up with these three brothers and their petty persecutions.  I respect Betty.
   

This is my husband and his brothers with their sister Betty.  I will guarantee you that at the very moment this picture was taken she was being harassed.  Betty is a good, good woman. 

Mickey has told me of countless forms of torture he and brothers developed over the years.  One of my personal favorites is when he told his brother to put a pole into an empty light socket.  Of course his brother did and then...........Mickey flipped the switch!  Can you imagine?  

Mickey has two tried and true ways to inflict torture.  The first one is called the personal luggage carrier.  This is where he grabs the victims arm and puts it between the victims legs and then lifts.  He will actually carry his victim around the house this way.

The second one is called the helicopter.  Secretly I love watching this one. Mickey will body slam one of the boys to the ground and then he will lay on top of him and spin around.  The axis of the spin is his stomach.  It is pure joy watching this one!

The more common annoyances that boys inflict on each other are smiling Jacks (this is where you put one finger into the victim's mouth and pull......as hard as you can) and Wet Willies  (wetting the finger and inserting into someone's ear).

This is Mickey preparing for a Wet Willie.

I just don't get how boys can think of so many mean things to do to each other.

This is Maggey after her brother found it totally entertaining to pour a shaker of salt on her food.

Here we have Tyler with a perfectly placed fish eyeball on his noggin.  Now that is considered a good day of fishing for my boys.  (Tyler is not yet aware of the eyeball on his head when this picture was taken).

My dad bought this gianormous blow up boxing toy.  Check out the pure look of pleasure these boys get out of knowing they might be able to inflict pain on each other.

One of my boys most favorite activities is air sorf gun wars.  They love to shoot each other with these guns.  I happened to mention to the boys one day that perhaps shooting each other was dangerous and just maybe someone could get their eye shot out.  The response was, "Uh, we wear goggles duh.  Safety first".  Really?  I even saw Mickey Sr. try to shoot our neighbor lady once while she was walking down the street.  This neighbor lady just happens to be my second sons mother-in-law.  Wow, he really knows how to keep the family peace.

Both of my daughters-in-law come from families of all girls and I think they were and might still be completely mystified by what these boys in do.   One day my daughter-in-law came over during an air soft gun war.  She was not married to Whitey yet. She walked in to find  Whitey taking aim at his most perfect shot, a shot to his dad's face. 

The gun went off and he hit his mark.  His dad's cheek started to bleed.  This is considered to be a victory by boys.  Not only did he hit his mark and inflict pain but he made his dad bleed.  

My soon to be daughter in law started to cry.  I pulled her aside and gave her some sage advise.  I said,  "Amy, I know you grew up in a family of seven girls  but this is what boys do.  There may be blood but boys think this is fun. One day you will be so used to the violence that you won't care.  There could even come a time, in the near future, that you might actually enjoy it when Whitey gets shot and bleeds.  I know it's twisted but there is nothing we women can do for them."  Amy is fine now.  We just had to give her time.

I could also tell you stories about my boys that would send chills down your spine and gross you out all at once.  I will inform you of one only.  

One day while in the car on a hunting trip my husband decided to relieve himself in a empty apple juice bottle.  (Just another little thing they do that I don't get).

     

He thought he was the most clever guy ever when he placed the bottle back into the cup holder after he had finished his business.  Of course, later in the car, Whitey picked up the bottle, swirled the liquid like it was a fine wine, smelled it and proceeded to take a swig.  

In addition to my four boys I have four daughters that have grown up being constantly teased by the boys.  One day while the girls were making beautiful and delicious Christmas cookies, the boys decided to help decorate. 

One word......why?

I suppose I may never understand the things boys do but I will say that us women will come out OK in the end.  We have not been shot, punched, poked, slapped or beaten about the head like they have.

Below is my proof.........

Who's peddling?  Son or daughter?  Nuff said.

I'm off now to go clean the smashed apple off of the wall and ceiling that was flung there by my husband last night.  I guess it must have been the perfect shot.