Thursday, October 14, 2010

My last Speedo straw!

One summer my dad decided we all needed an experience going to a foreign country.  He took us to Europe for a good part of that summer. This was back in the 1970's.  For one of our learning experiences we went to a public swimming pool.  That day was my first sighting of a speedo and it changed my life forever.  The local public pool also had co-ed dressing rooms. My mother spent the day running frantically from daughter to daughter shielding our eyes from the horrors of men parts and I spent the day seeing things I never knew existed.

I grew up in a family of all girls so boys and men were a mystery to me (and still are).

Aahh speedo's......who thought of these things?  I mean they have never been a snappy fashion statement for men. 

I watched the last summer Olympics in fascination of Michael Phelps.  The sad thing is that my fascination had nothing to do with his winning all those medals but I was focused on his speedo.  I admit it.  I just can't, for the life of me, figure out how he kept that speedo on!

Every time he dove in for a race I was just waiting to see a little butt crack pop up through the water because I was sure his speedo was down around his knees from the dive in.  I just had the strongest urge, as a mom, to go and just hitch that speedo up a bit for him (like moms do when their kids pants are sagging off) but then the speedo would have turned into a thong in the back.  It's a dilema.

Even scarier than that was when he walked towards the camera, while on tv.  Everyone in the world could see the full frontal view. I just was sa nervous that something, somewhere might peek out.  I am bettting I'm not the only one with this concern either.

Let's be honest now there are but a few men who could even think about wearing a speedo.  They are those body building, buff, six pack sporting, no fat on their bodies, kind of guys. Even then  I still don't think they can pull off the speedo look.  Now picture a guy like that in a pair of board shorts................ ...........................................................................................................
...............................................................Sorry I was picturing........ he would be hot and the chicks would dig him but not if he's wearing a speedo.

Most men they look more like this next guy when wearing a speedo.....

I am trying not to picture this guy at all.  Don't you love how he's accessorized his speedo. I bet he's religious. You also know that black is very slimming.

I have actually seen guys that are wearing speedos but you can't see the speedo until they turn around backward.  (don't visualize that cause it will mess you up).

If you want to really mess with your mind, listen to this...  When my kids were younger they loved to watch Mr. Rogers.  You heard me.  I am secretly a Mr. Rogers fan too.  One day while having Mr. Rogers lull us into a stuper, he did a segment on swimming.  Mr. Rogers actually did the swimming in this segment whilst pointing out all of the wonderful things about water and swimming pools.  I didn't hear a word of it.  Mr. Rogers came schwinging out onto the deck of the pool wearing a speedo.  His speedo was brown and it was the boy shorts style of speedo.

But despite the style of speedo, it just wasn't a good look for Mr. Rogers.

Mr. Rogers should have stuck with his cardigan and boat shoes.

They even showed pictures of Mr. Rogers swimming under water in his speedo.  I'm talking "UNDERWATER PHOTOGRAPHY OF A SPEEDO".  This was aired on tv more than 25 years ago and I can still remember the color of his speedo?

I am going to confess that we have speedo issues in my family and I'm not one bit happy about it.

My oldest son, Whitey, likes to do a yearly triathlon and he does the entire thing in a speedo.  I have proof. Just look at the next pictures.

What a stud muffin.  All I can say is that he is self actualized.  No confidence lacking here.

Whitey also danced with my other son Rocky on Christmas eve.  Just like every other American family, we do talent shows on Christmas eve and this particular year we were entertained by a special striptease type of dance.

Whitey passed on his fashion sense to my youngest son Mickey........

He now does the triathlon in a speedo too. 

I have yet another son who went on a cruise and they all opted for speedos as their cruise attire.

My son Tyler is the "dude" in the middle.  You will note that he is sporting the "Mr. Rogers boy cut speedo".  Good choice Ty!

My husband has a speedo he calls his jammers.  I thought jammers were PJ's but no!  They are like knee length spandex things.  I wish with all my heart I had a picture of him in his "jammers" but I don't so I will describe him in his jammers.  My husband has a very large chest with wide shoulders that would be appropriate on a 200 pound man.  His legs, on the other hand, are rather thin and would go well on a 130 pound tall and lanky guy.  When he used to teach school, (PE of course)  he had a student come up to him and say, "Mr. Taylor, are those your legs or are you riding a chicken".  Nuff said.  Now picture jammers on those legs and body.  He is also a stud muffin.

And lastly, as the cherry on the cake of my speedo experiences, my dad wore a speedo under his swim suit to the beach one day just in case he was training for a triathlon in the ocean.  Is that necessary?

Seeing my dad in a speedo was my last speedo straw.   I am not sure where I go from here.  I can pray that my family will never sport speedos again but you never know and I know that if I should ever go to a public pool again that there will be "speedo guy" there. 

I guess I will have to wear dark, dark sunglasses to the pool from now on and when I stare at the speedos, no one will know but me.  I will schedule a therapy session following all my pool days and I should be good. 

One last piece of information for the men out there.  We know men love to see women in skimpy bikinis but women just don't like to see men in that same attire.  Just saying............


  1. one of my *cough* favorite memories of a speedo was when i was living in san diego. i was at coronado beach minding my own business taking in the sun and loving the view of the ocean. this guy comes and stands right in front of me and my friend to look out at the ocean i suppose. he was wearing a bright turquoise speedo (the speedos that make a statement are those that are brightly colored or even printed...yum!)...he had hair that was blowing in the wind so nicely (on his back!) anyway, as me and my friend were trying to focus on something different (which is so difficult in a situation like that) this man, got the urge to bend over and dig in the sand. i died a little that day! even thinking of it now makes me throw up in my mouth!! what was he thinking?? to just bend over and start digging? he didn't even create a castle or anything just a cat hole! speedos...who freaking invented them?? i think i must go and lie down now. i'm officially sick!!!

  2. Shari, what a sick family, I know that it all comes from Micky, he is one sick puppy.Just be glad that they wear something. Mick would have them all running around butt naked. We're having a great time in Tonga this week, Beautiful beaches and no speedo's. In fact, most Samoan and Tongan men wear pants and a t-shirt while swimming. Thank the lord for that. Love you guys

  3. Is that OUR dad?!!! So glad I had my sunglasses shading my eyes and didn't see this. Yeeesh!

  4. Micky and Rocky pull off the look really well. You are completely out of your mind for criticizing those two.