Everyday Shari: Ralph's Spandex Fetish

Anyone that knows me knows that I love my dogs. I have two. A tiny toy poodle named Wilson.....

........and a standard poodle named Ralph,

Because Wilson is only about 3 and a half pounds, he can't do much damage but Ralph on rare occasions, can cause some damage.

We had one such incident last week. You see Ralph loves spandex. He loves putting the material between his teeth and grinding back and forth on the material while making an eeeee, eeeeee, eeeee, sound.

I have warned my family that Ralph favors spandex and Lycra type items.

Ralph also has one other fetish and there is no delicate way to put this so I'll come straight out and say it.....he enjoys the crotch of any item of clothing that he can get his canines on. There......I've said it and I won't go into why he has this last fetish, just know that it is his thing. I have also given my family fair warning of this.

The first time I noticed Ralph had this fetish was when he found my teenage daughter's thong (yes she went through that stage) and brought it outside to share with the neighbor's dog Winnie (also a standard poodle). The dogs each grabbed a piece of thong floss and stretched that bright orange bad boy from my driveway to the neighbors lawn. They got that thong stretched out a good 15 feet before it snapped. Ralph then gnawed on it and later my neighbor found remnants of that orange thong on his lawn.

One day last week Ralph succumbed to his temptation and entered my daughter Maggey's room. Maggey, like all teenagers, does not hang her clothing or put it away but drops it where she removes it from her bod.

Long story short the temptation was too great for Ralph (who hadn't had a relaspe since the time Mickey's shorts fell victim)

Secretly Mickey likes wearing his shorts this way. It's like wearing a thong..

So Ralph nabbed Maggey's favorite pair of workout spandex and did this to them....

All he left Maggey was a Tarzan flap in the front and one in the back.

Once Ralph falls off the wagon it's all down hill. He also gnawed on her favorite jeans with just a tich of Lycra in them and a day later when Maggey went to put them on she had a new type of ventilation system in her

jeans.

The last garment I was told that became a victim of Ralph fetishes were these.....

These are Maggey's favorite running shorts.

Maggey was mad. In fact she was furious. She came into my room holding up a couple of the tattered items and told me she was going to KILL Ralph.

By the time she found the last item, she was so angry that she came into my room, held up the half eaten item and yelled, "Mom, why did you let Ralph do this?"

I just said, "Well Maggey, when you are at school I find Ralph and drag him into your room and pick out your most favorite clothing item and say 'Eat the crotch of these because it has Lycra in them and Maggey loves them' and he does".

This comment made Maggey so mad that she said, "This hole in my jeans is too perfectly round and there are no teeth marks so I know you did this and not Ralph."

Now I realize that we all say things in moments of anger that we really don't mean but this was one for the books.

I began picturing myself going into my daughters room and gnawing on her Lycra pant's crotches. Ok really?

I merely said, "Maggey, lets think about what you just said. I may do a lot of things that you find strange and even a bit quirky but chewing on my daughter's spandex just isn't one."

I'm off now to see if I can find some spandex to gnaw on. Perhaps Ralph is onto something.